Do you pretend to check your phone in the elevator just to avoid small talk? Do you avoid organized sports at all costs? Do you turn down friend requests just for fun? If you answered yes to any of these (and consider Larry David a hero among heroes), then you may indeed have joined the ranks of the ruthlessly, yet fashionably, misanthropic. Find out for sure by taking this indulgently narcissistic personality quiz, from the forthcoming THE MISANTHROPE’S GUIDE TO LIFE: (Go Away!) (Adams Media, a division of F+W Media; September 2011) by Meghan Rowland and Chris Turner-Neal. Follow the authors on their blog http://www.2birds1blog.com or http://twitter.com/#!/2birds1blog.
1. I once punched myself in the jaw so I could spend recess in the nurse’s office. T/F
2. Motivational quotes give me acid reflux. T/F
3. Sometimes I pretend to be checking my mail to avoid small talk at the elevators. T/F
4. I’ve waited in line for a Harry Potter movie. T/F
5. I love Burning Man. T/F
6. I don’t just attend team-building exercises—I plan them! T/F
7. I’ve prepaid a divorce, just in case. T/F
8. Sometimes I wake up in the morning with a song in my heart. T/F
9. The sloppiness of children’s art does not appeal to me. T/F
10. A stranger is a friend you haven’t met. T/F
Give yourself one point for answering true on number(s): 1; 2; 3; 7;
9, and give yourself one point for answering false on number(s): 4;
5; 6; 8; 10.
If you got 0–3 points:
Congratulations, I guess. You probably had a lot of fun in student
government. You are the belle of every ice cream social. You
are probably not a Misanthrope and will continue to bubble through
life saying things like, “Hiya, fella!” and “I’m a people person!” with
a smile as your umbrella; that is, until someone shoots you.
If you got 4–7 points:
You’re probably a normal, run-of-the-mill person with some
misanthropic tendencies. Company retreats and potluck dinners
are probably hard for you, but you can usually get through the
day without hiding in a stairwell, waiting for the Xanax to kick in.
You may even have a work friend, but you’ll probably alienate him
somewhere down the line with your extreme political views.
If you got 8–10 points:
Yowzah. You are a Purell-carrying, pistol-packin’, crowdfearing,
hug-dodging, no-nonsense Misanthrope. You send a card
instead of attending, which caused a problem at your own wedding.
We hope you were able to mail-order this book; we know how
stressful it can be to go to the mall.