We all know there’s a bro code that applies not only to the rules of male friendship – but to what dudes are allowed to do and say AS dudes. Sure, it makes little sense, but it’s damn entertaining. Which is why there’s ManWords: Real Words for Real Men by Jeremy Greenberg – a guide for those guys in need of a breakdown on what words are cool – and what’re not – to let emerge from that manly, brutish mouth.
Top 10 Words No Dude Should Ever, Ever Say (from ManWords)
1. ‘You Go Girl’ (pg.33)
What It Means: female empowerment is a good thing, but “You go girl” is usually the rallying cry for girls who definitely should not go, unless it’s to the gym. It’s Only Okay When: followed by, “Seriously. I have to get up early for work tomorrow.”
2. ‘Sprinkles’ (pg.54)
What It Means: Multicolored candy flakes one would use to top ice cream or supcakes. It’s bad enough that you’re eating something not made from a dead animal. Adding sprinkles is the culinary equivalent of wearing a dress. It’s Only Okay When: trying to appeal to a MILF by buying her ice cream.
3. ‘Bath mat’ (pg.62)
What It Means: what a woman yells at you to use when you get out of the shower. It’s Only Okay When: you’re telling your girlfriend what you’ve used to remove her dog’s dingleberries.
4. ‘Scrapbook’ (pg.82)
What It Means: a stupid book or folder filled with magazine cutouts, dried leaves, and other stuff that’s supposed to remind a woman of the five times in her life that are worth remembering. It’s Only Okay When: explaining to your kids the hobby that led Mommy to save your high school yearbook photo and a condom wrapper.
5. ‘Wedding favors’ (pg.89)
What It Means: little useless pieces of shit given out to members of a wedding party. It’s Only Okay When: asking if, instead of the lame-ass picture frame or travel clock, you can take the bridesmaid as your wedding favor.
6. ‘BFF’ (pg.93)
What It Means: short for “Best Friends Forever”; the proper male term is, “I’ve known that dude a long time”. It’s Only Okay When: asking an attractive woman if her BFF wouldn’t mind taking a cab home. If she’s a real BFF, she’ll do it.
7. ‘It’s Complicated’ (pg.100)
What It Means: The details are so complex that it’s not worth explaining. Anything not easily explainable is not worth being involved in. It’s Only Okay When: explaining to your wife why you don’t want her checking your Internet browser history.
8. ‘Leave In Conditioner’ (pg.102)
What It Means: hair conditioner that one does not rinse out, and which provides silky, soft, perfect hair that a woman deserves to have. A real man’s hair, on the other hand, must be so brittle and lifeless that a strong breeze should blow it off the scalp like a tumbleweed. It’s Only Okay When: explaining to your wife why your showers are ten minutes long.
9. ‘Stress eat’ (pg.134)
What It Means: to over indulge in food; men are advised to stress drink since developing a beer belly is more widely acceptable for men than growing a fat ass. It’s Only Okay When: explaining why it makes sense to put a Baskin-Robbins next to a fertility clinic.
10. ‘Women’s Suffrage Movement’ (pg.215)
What It Means: the pursuit of women’s right to vote; the only movement men should concern themselves with are bowel. It’s Only Okay When: demonstrating your knowledge of equal rights will force a drunken hottie to show you her tits.
* * *
Need more manliness in your life? Thank goodness you found us! We’ve got a whole bevy of the most studly of hilarious (and even helpful) reads – from Maxims of Manhood, to ManLibs to A**holeology, and more!
